I am single. I am online dating. Insert judgement here. I was ashamed to say that while talking with a pro ball player, he sent a shirtless pic and wanted a suggestive picture in return. At first, I declined, because you know, we gotta keep it classy in these streets. Too many THOTs be up in here, tryna snatch up the good men, or at least are content with being a side chick. I can usually spot those greezy dudes who just wanna get into my pants. Or so I thought.
After several attempts on his end, I sent him a suggestive picture. Am I proud of it? No? Do I regret it? No. Insert teachable moment/blah blah blah life lesson blah blah blah. My mind raced to those intense moments as a teenage girl back in high school. There was a clearly defined line between the girls who put out and the girls who did not. I did not. It wasn’t because I was a prude, but I was petrified of the religious consequences of having a baby at 14 as our health class basically taught us that if we had sex, we would get pregnant. “It only takes one time” I heard my teacher say.
Those words echo in my mind as I convey them to you now. The shock and horror stories and even worse pictures are sometimes enough to deter teens. Sometimes. However, I like everyone else, wrestled with my sexuality. Not in a gender questioning, sexually fluid kind of way, but that way in which I think we all struggle- when are we going to lose our virginity, what does sex mean to us, is it just the physical, or perhaps, is it something more? As we grow and develop as teens and mature into adulthood, I believe that this question is one we will ask, explore and answer multiple times in our lives.
Needless to say, I am now Dirty Thirty. I should have my life together with my grown up pants on! I should be able to say NO to peer pressure. In seconds, I was thrown back to being 14/16/18/27- so many different ages of when the question of sexuality has appeared in my life and what I will choose to do with it.
And yet, this particular time, it was different. Yes, I sent the picture. No, there was no face in it. Thank you life lesson named Kevin Hart. *haha* Would I have rather avoided that unpleasant encounter with the beautiful basketball player? Yes and no. Yes in that I wish I could have known my worth enough to not send that pic to a complete stranger, but no because I would not have developed this aspect of myself. I needed that reminder that learning is fluid. It ebbs and flows like the ocean. It’s not like once we’ve gone through a challenging situation, we all of a sudden have ALL the patience we need for life.
As I pondered this event over the last few days, I also realized that I value my sexual expression and when I do choose to (not send out of obligation or pressure), it is because I feel intimacy with that other person. It is my choice. It is an expression.
What does this mean for you? I trust that as you read this post, you would take comfort in knowing we both don’t have to put our tits on display to get or keep a man. Yes, that includes you too ladies *hahahha*
You are valuable. You are enough. You are loved.